That Disconnect
It happens in every marriage. You know, that feeling that you’re just not connecting. Somehow, things just got out of sync. There may not even be a clear cut moment you can point to and say, “see, we were in sync here and then THIS happened and now we’re not connecting.”
We’re going through it RIGHT NOW. Literally as we’re launching our marriage project, we’re finding that we’re just not connecting. Conversation isn’t flowing freely, we’re not in a groove, and we’re missing one another. It sucks. So here’s how we handle it.
Name it.
There’s no point in pretending that everything is great when it may not be. A really low risk way to check in with your spouse is to ask, “hey, on a scale of 1-10, how connected do you feel right now?” No matter the answer, even if you find that your answers are mismatched, you have a starting point for moving forward.
Take the pressure off.
Sometimes the desire to get back to that state of deep connection pushes us to really put the pressure on. In the Sprout House that looks like Sarah asking Clement 5 times a day if he’s okay, what’s wrong, etc. In your house it could look the same, it could look like hypersensitivity, or reading into every exchange. You get into your head and end up inadvertently getting in your own way. Once you name it, decide to take the pressure off. Of course you still want to reconnect, but while you’re working toward it, give yourself and your spouse permission to just be.
Keep the bigger picture in mind.
Disconnect opens the door for conflict and a whole host of other potential problems. It’s tempting to withdraw, to vent to friends, or make other decisions that undermine your marriage. Don’t give in to it. If you notice you’ve spent a lot of time apart, intentionally be present – even if you just sit together reading your own books. If you need to vent, journal. If you notice that you’re snapping at one another, take some time for yourself. As hard as this can be, don’t let your temporary feelings take away from your forever commitment to love and honor one another.
The disconnect is hard but it happens. If you find that you struggle to reconnect for too long (“too long” is going to be different for every couple), consider talking with a marriage counselor. We want you to know that we’ve been there (we’re there right now!), we know it’s tough, but you can and will get back in sync. We’re rooting for you!
Conversation starters
- What are some things that you love about being in sync?
- What are some signs that you’re not quite in sync?
- What are some things that you love about being married? How can you remind each other of those things when you’re not connecting?
2 Comments
Kimberly Sprague
Disconnect, March 21,2019… This really hit home! This is something that Eric and I have been struggling with for 32 out of our 33 year marriage! ugh We are still together and still love each other very much, all the Glory goes to God for that. I think our disconnect started with our first baby, 32 years ago. We found it very difficult to balance our relationship with our love and responsibility for our new baby girl. Fast forward 33 years and we now have 5 children, 5 grandchildren, a Ministry and Eric basically working two jobs! We found the root or should I say roots but we still have trouble staying connected. One thing that has changed over the years is that we don’t play the blame game anymore, we rarely argue about it, but the sadness is there at times. I often day dream of the endless time we use to spend together and the connection that was so strong between us. I know as long as I have hope and love in my heart that I will not give into the “disconnect” that Satan uses each day in our busy lives, I will fight it with love. Thank you again for sharing your marriage with us! Much love, Kim
Kimberly Sprague
Sarah & Clem, Such an awesome ministry, thank you for sharing and for your honesty! I know you will be a blessing to many marriages! Much love, Kim