Build your friendships to build your marriage

The human-to-human, heart-to-heart connection is vital to a healthy and happy life. Studies have shown that community is a core component to your actual physical health and longevity. (A total aside, but if you haven’t heard of Blue Zones, you can learn more on their site. It’s super interesting!) When it comes to building your marriage, the people around you can really make a difference.

When our kids were little we had a small group of friends with kids around the same age as ours. One of the families had a laid back parenting style and rarely raised their voices. The other family was quick to raise their voices when directing or discipling their kids. A few years into our friendship… we realized that the quick-to-yell tendency is contagious. We found ourselves reacting more quickly than we’d like when disciplining our kids.

After we saw the trend and recognized what was happening, we were able to rework our mental scripts and cut down on the yelling in our house. We also learned an important lesson that relates to our marriage too.

We tend to take on the characteristics of the people we spend time with.

This is why best friends may dress or act similarly to one another and why older couples may even start to look like each other. So if this is true, what should we do about it?

Build your tribe with intentionality.

Spend time with the friends who make you feel good in the moment, and also positively contribute to your life. Your friends should be rooting for your success as a person, as you strive toward your goals, and in your marriage. Build up those friendships that are deeper than shared small talk.

Be thoughtful about how you grow through your friendships.

From our parenting experience, we recognized that this couple had a habit that we didn’t want to have ourselves. What we didn’t do is intentionally guard our family from taking on that characteristic. It is a good and healthy thing to share friendships with people who are different from you. That’s how you learn and grow yourself. Just be aware of some of the negative habits your friends may have and work on keeping those from creeping into your own life.

But what if you don’t really have friends?

You’re not alone. This is surprisingly common for adults. That means there are tons of people in your area who’d like to make new friends too. Consider plugging in to a local church, a community athletics league, the library or another public arena. If you don’t find success at first, don’t give up. Your spouse can be your best friend, but shouldn’t be your only friend.

Real friendships are a valuable support for you and for your marriage. Make time to build up those relationships that build you up too. You’ll be glad you did!

Conversation starters

1. Have you ever found yourself taking on some of the characteristics of a friend (good or bad)? What was that like?
2. What do you look for and value in your friendships?
3. Are you happy with your circle of friends right now? If not, what are some things you’d like to change?