Why you need to date your spouse

Keeping the spark alive

It is so easy to put your kids ahead of your spouse or work ahead of your marriage. All of these good goals, like being good parents, responsible employees, and good friends, demand our energy, attention, and time.

We’ve heard so many reasons for letting your marriage drop lower on the priorities list…

• I just need to focus on my career so I can reach this level of success. I’m doing this for my family.
• The kids come first. They’re only little for so long.
• I just need some “me” time. I can’t do everything for everyone all the time.

We’ve said all of these things too. When we were first married, we were in our early 20s, had literally NO money, two babies, and a mountain of student loan debt. Work had to be a priority because it was a matter of survival.

There will be seasons when you truly need to prioritize other areas of life, but the simple truth is that you cannot put your marriage on autopilot for 20 years or longer and expect a happily ever after. So how do you refocus?

Here are some things that we’ve done…

• COMMUNICATE – all caps because it’s THAT important. This is a two way street. When you feel that your spouse isn’t prioritizing your relationship enough or when you feel that you need to spend more energy and focus on kids/work/friends/fillintheblank, talk to your partner. Talk about your “why” and make sure to set expectations to avoid hurt feelings.
• Set boundaries. It’s okay to temporarily prioritize something above your marriage, but the key word here is temporarily. Set limits to how long you will need to focus elsewhere
• Reset. At the end of the day, it’s time to reset and refocus on your marriage. When you’ve handled the issue that was pulling at your time and attention, make sure to intentionally come back together with your spouse. Carve out some time to spend together and refocus on your relationship.

It should go without saying, but when we’re talking about reprioritizing for a season, we are talking about doing so for the big things – kids going through something and needing extra TLC, work emergencies or big opportunities, friends who need support during a rough time, parents or extended family that needs you… we’re not talking about the normal day-to-day. If you find that you’re struggling to prioritize your spouse in everyday life, consider setting your family’s purpose as a starting point.

Conversation starters

1. When have you felt most loved and connected with your spouse?
2. When have you felt disconnected and why?
3. What priorities are competing for your attention right now? Where does your marriage fit into that list?
4. What’s one thing that you can do for your spouse today to make them feel valued and loved?