50/50 isn’t the key to a happy marriage

Marriage is a partnership, so in many minds, that looks like 50/50:

I cook -> you clean

I wash -> you dry

I’ll do the housework -> you do the yard work

The 50/50 mindset is a recipe for resentment (more on that in a later post).

When we got married, we were given the advice that marriage isn’t 50/50… the real key to happiness is in viewing marriage as 100%/ 100%. Ten years in, we’ve discovered that there are a couple of things wrong with this advice too.

Giving and asking for 100% doesn’t set clear expectations.

We came to the marriage with our own thoughts on how things would work, from the small things like the best way to fold a shirt to the large things like how to handle our finances. Simply saying, “I will give 100% to this marriage” without defining what that really means sets the stage for unmet expectations (unfortunately, again a recipe for resentment).

Realistically, No one is capable of giving 100% all of the time. Release yourself from that pressure and release your spouse!

50/50, 100/100 – those numbers are all about keeping score.

Score keeping should best be left to scrabble and sports. When you catch yourself comparing your efforts to your spouse’s, you’re on your way to trouble.

To truly build a happy marriage, you simply have to do the best you can everyday. Some days you’ll be a rockstar. Some days you won’t. What matters most is that you try, that you be willing to step in and step up when your spouse can’t or won’t. You’ll find yourself developing selflessness and humility that makes this easier over time.

Please note that we are NOT saying that you should be a doormat for your spouse in an abusive relationship. We are saying that you need to be willing to bring your best self to your marriage each day, regardless of what your spouse brings.

Conversation Starters

1. Have you viewed your marriage as 50/50, 100/100, or 100/0? Why do you think that is?
2. How has that view shaped how you view your contributions to your marriage? How has it shaped your view of your spouse’s contributions?