Navigating small conflicts to build a peaceful home

Sometimes small conflicts pop up. It’s totally normal. The cause and shape of these little conflicts will be different in every marriage, but we think that the ways you can navigate them are universal.

Here are some strategies for squashing small conflicts before they become arguments.

1. Keep it to yourself. One small thing that can spark conflict in our house is the way the dishwasher is packed. It’s dumb, but it’s also annoying and ongoing. So, sometimes a poorly stacked dishwasher can spark a disagreement in the Sprout house. See a dish that’s out of place or still has food on it or is otherwise just not right? Ask yourself – is this worth talking about? If the answer is no, take a breath, let your annoyance go and keep your day moving.
2. Be the first to let go. This can be easier said than done. If you have trouble letting go of small things, take a moment to ask yourself, am I holding on to this small thing because I’m tired, emotionally drained from my day, or because something may be unresolved? If so – say what you really need. In our house, hanger is a real thing. Sometimes a snack can stave off a fight. Sometimes pausing a conflict and resuming after dinner gives us enough time, space, and reason to speak honestly and listen clearly so we can have a conversation instead of an argument. If the real issue is unresolved conflict, take time to address it.
3. Try when/then statements. When/then statements are like “I statements” in that they’re de-escalating. They put the focus on behavior instead of on your spouse. This helps to avoid putting your partner on the defense and opens the door for real conversation.
   • “When the dishwasher is a mess like that, then I feel like my preferences don’t matter.”
   • “When you don’t text me if you’re going to be late coming home, then I feel like I’m not a priority.”
   • “When you snap at me, then it’s difficult for me not to react defensively.”

These tactics may take practice, but building these habits will cultivate humility and kindness in your marriage. Actively pursuing peaceful resolutions for your small conflict builds the muscle memory you’ll need to navigate larger issues more peacefully too.

Conversation starters

1. One a scale of 1-10, how well would you say you currently navigate small conflicts?
2. What are some small conflicts that seem to be recurring for you?